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And then.. I’m not sure what happened.

It wasn’t/isn’t good.

I woke up the other night repeatedly crying in my sleep.

And then I was ok, but then I wasn’t.

And then yesterday, the crying just wouldn’t stop. 

I told my husband that I think I need to get help, but I don’t even know what kind of help I need.

I saw a friend, and there was more crying. 

And then I felt better – for a little while.

And today I have felt even more drained, burned out and completely tapped than I have in a very long time.
And I am scaring people, but frankly, I’m kinda freaked out myself, because I have apparently reached my limit. 
I don’t want to/ cant really talk about whatever it is, because I don’t even know what it is – other than it is so much stress, over so long a period of time that I just seem to be out of any reserves. I don’t even have the reserves to CHAT about whatever this is, and the idea of making smalltalk is more daunting than climbing mountains.

Things I normally would use to de-stress aren’t working. 
Part of me wants to just hand the reins over to someone else. Like I don’t want to be responsible for anything for a few days. I am mustering the energy to work, and get out of bed, that sort of thing, and as far as I’m concerned, if the universe wants me to do anything else, I don’t think I’m their girl right now.

Usually I am able to go through tons of stuff and pick myself up and dust myself off and just take care of anything I need to take care of, but it doesn’t seem to be working today. I think that I’ve been doing this very thing for so long that its biting me on the ass.

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Posted by on November 13, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Partially disabling the filters

Yesterday was kinda cool… In fact, yesterday was as cool as the other day was hard.

Part of it is because my friend stopped by, because she needed to talk to someone. Anytime I see her I am reminded of how much we need people, I mean physically need them.

She had heavy things to talk about but somehow after she left I felt lighter and had more of a recharge.

Not because my friend had something hard to go through, but because she is one of my persons. One of THE persons. She needed someone and she thought of me and she came here. I didn’t realize how much I just needed HER. I mean, I missed her terribly, but we just sat in the living room and chatted.

It’s nice to be needed. Just for who you are.

The other thing I tried to do yesterday was stop thinking. Something interesting happened.

Instead of being weird in my own head and keeping a tight reign on how I communicate…. I just.. stopped.

I let myself, instead actually communicate in some way.  It might have been a comment where I normally wouldn’t leave one. It might have been a post. It might have been a note to an artist earlier today – but something really cool happened and it wasn’t being sprayed with mace. I actually had some really neat conversations for the first time in .. years.

We knew social anxiety sucked. It just does.  But sometimes you are so wrapped up in how much it sucks that you forget that the real reason it sucks is that if it goes unchecked for too long? You forget what talking to people is really like when it goes well. You are too focused on all the garbage instead.

In other randomness…. Hospital dramas freak me out.

I have problems going to the doctor right… I have been saying every day that I am going to call the new doctors office and I am GOING TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT. And then I dont.

I cant tell why exactly. Lots of reasons I think, but none of them will get better if I don’t go.

I half watch Grey’s Anatomy. I cant watch the surgery bits and the “Look at this horrible thing!” parts. But last week they had a lady who was scared of the doctor and she had a horrible wound with bugs in it I think – because she was waiting for it to go away and it never did. So on one hand -that tells me that I need to go to the doctor and stop being afraid.

I don’t have an open wound with bugs in it. But I dont WANT one either.

But then I have to ask myself (yes, I know its TV) – Why are all these people having sex at the hospital? Why are they fighting over their personal problems over a patient in surgery? What is going on with Bailey and other countless surgeons where they pass the hell out with someone on the table?

These things terrify me, because too often random things happen to me.

And maybe this is why wait times are SO long, maybe they are all having way too many not-so-quickees in the broom closet while we are waiting in their offices in our knickers and socks.

 
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Posted by on November 8, 2013 in Not Food, Random Rambling, Uncategorized

 

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Maybe I’m not stupid after all.

Yesterday made me pause for a few minutes.  Yesterday was particularly hard.

For the past few years I have been increasingly upset with and particularly rotten to myself. I have withdrawn more and more into everyday minutiae, effectively losing myself in morning rushes to get the kidlet off to school, the stress of deadlines, trying to make groceries stretch farther, keep bills paid and countless cups of coffee.

Yesterday I allowed myself to stop and think for a moment, what that kind of stress does to a person.  I noticed a while ago that I seemed unable to hold a thought in my head for long, that I would lose focus, that I seemed unable to have a conversation with another person. Overall lacking any sort of clarity but in rare moments. 

This year it has come to a head in a way. I know I have not always been scatterbrained to this degree, nor have I had such an astounding lack of confidence like I do now. I am sure there is a combination of things contributing to whatever has happened to me. I am sure that a good percentage of my problem is the stress of the last few years in particular; The constant lack of cash flow to create any sort of feeling of security, weight gain – all things that have also contributed to an overall withdrawing of myself. 

I have very much become a hermit crab. 

I am trying to change.

I am trying to be nicer and more forgiving to myself where I can be, in a very conscious and aware kind of way. 

You would not think that it would be so difficult to do so many little things, like saying hello to strangers. Leaving a comment on a blog, posting a response on a forum, asking for help if you need it, but it is.

Hi – I have crippling social anxiety. 
I have a strange sense of humor.
I can be obscenely inappropriate, if I am comfortable enough with you to be so.
I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I don’t think I’ve found my calling yet. (I once thought it was archaeology. Then I thought it might be psychiatry – but then I realized I get way too emotionally involved with people and I’d be a wreck all of the time. Then I thought it might be as a pastry chef or baker, but I don’t like getting yelled at – so going into culinary wouldn’t work. Sometimes I think I could be an advice columnist. But how do those sort of careers even happen?  One thing is absolutely clear – I need counseling.)

In my quest to break these awful habits I’ve managed to create, I might sprinkle some of my awkwardness on you.
Please don’t be alarmed, its nothing a bit of hot water, bleach and rigorous scrubbing with some steel wool cant cure.

 
3 Comments

Posted by on November 7, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

What I haven’t said.

I haven’t told you what has been going on this year.
I’ve been giving you foam. 

Even when I promised I’d try not to.
I hope you will forgive me if its just bullet points. I don’t know how to talk about any of it. Maybe putting it in bullet points will get it out there, out of my head a little.
Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on November 6, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Pumpkin Banana Spice Muffins – an experiment.

I know – everyone and their uncles monkey has pumpkin on the brain right now. I never get sick of it though, I want pumpkin all year round.

To be honest? I kind of wanted these to fail.
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I wanted them to fail on the one hand, and I couldn’t afford for them to fail on the other. (Literally)

I wanted them to fail because my friend is going through a very rough time, and I wanted to make her smile – if it is even possible, with some sort of awry-ness.
I am kind of glad these muffins are saving her from my inappropriate sense of humor.

Sort of.

I have a problem. Well, I mean I have several problems. But I can’t look at pecans with a straight face. I won’t tell you what they look like to me, because you won’t be able to look at them with a straight face ever again either.
Maybe I am just really, really immature. That’s probably more like it.

So yes- Muffins.

Preheat oven to 350F
Grease up and lightly flour your muffin pans or if you are better prepared than I am, line them with papers.
—-
Gather ye two bowls of goodly size.

In one bowl whisk together:
3 1/2 cups Flour
2 cups Sugar
1 tsp. Baking soda
1 tsp. Baking powder
1 tsp. Salt

In the other bowl whisk together:
1 15 oz. can Pumpkin
4 Eggs
*1 cup mashed Banana (about 2, Very ripe) – see below!
2/3 cup water
2 tbsp. Rum (or Vanilla extract, OR Bourbon or a combo of Vanilla extract and booze)
2 tsp. Cinnamon
1/4 tsp. Clove
1/4 tsp. Ginger
1/4 tsp. Nutmeg
a touch over a smidgen of Cayenne Pepper

Yes I said a smidgen… look:

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(For some reason… WordPress doesn’t listen to me when I insist that this picture has been edited to be rotated properly. Go figure.)

Pour wet ingredients into the dry and whisk until it just comes together.
At this point you can fold in about 1/2 a cupish of:
Chopped pecans or walnuts
Chocolate chips
Blueberries
Craisins
Raisins (But why would you WANT to?)

Muffins take about 25 minutes, Bread took about 40.
Check them and poke them with a stick, poking stick should come out clean.

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**A note on the Banana! –   You can substitute the Banana for 1 cup applesauce.
Applesauce will not interfere with the pumpkiny-ness of the muffins like the banana will.  Both of these are substitutes for oil and butter – without taking away the “I am eating a muffin!” happy away from the entire experience.

I mean… come on. You are eating a muffin.
If you want – you can still slather them with butter.
I wont judge.

These were pretty good. Dense, moist… I ate one and felt like I was eating something. It was not like eating a cupcake. Do you know what I mean? Cupcakes are… light, fluffy. This is a muffin. It is not light or airy. (Its no doorstop either though, and it did not disintegrate into a pile of crumbs.)
The cayenne is in there to elevate the clove and cinnamon, you won’t notice it unless you have an incident and overdo it… like if someone nudges your elbow while you are measuring or something.
Or – you try to interpret what a “smidgen” is and don’t have my cool spoon. I’d estimate it to be around 1/16thish of a teaspoon.
I’m not much help am I?

Applesauce in these will likely make them a touch lighter in texture. Had I been more prepared, I’d likely have used that instead. I wanted pumpkin something, not banana something. In spite of that – I can’t complain, these came out awesome.

 
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Posted by on November 3, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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I don’t want to see you because I’m messy, poor and fat.

My aunt is coming today, it is very exciting. I haven’t seen her in years and years. 

Because I have terrible self esteem issues and the anxiety problem, it is in my first instinct to avoid seeing anyone. 

My house is a mess, (sometimes it is) (Really, I don’t want to see you because I’m fat.)

My apartment has a funny smell. (It does, and I can’t figure out where its coming from or why, I’ve been cleaning ALLTHETHINGS. I’ve been cleaning allthethings with BLEACH and Method.) (But really, I don’t want to see you because I’m fat.)

When we made plans for her to come, I was on crutches. And I was sick. Everything was a mess. Like – the floor in the kitchen was sticky. It made noise when you would take a step. (For some reason my son spills iced tea on the floor all the time and leaves it there, and doesn’t tell you. He just leaves it there and because I try to stay out of the kitchen? I sometimes don’t find it until much later when it has started to concentrate into a sugary film.)

Have you tried to mop the floor on crutches and with your foot in one of those hospital shoe things that stay on with velcro? The bottom is rigid plastic. One drop of water on the floor will send you careening off in random directions. 

The good news is, I am moving much better now, so long as I am barefoot. Do you know how many times I have scrubbed the floor in there the past two weeks?

Enough so that this conversation happened.

Me: -walking into the bedroom giggle-snorting-
Himself: Whats so funny?
Me: Well, I was turning off the lights, and noticed the kitchen floor looked really wet so I went in there and touched it with my foot and it was just… shiny.
Himself: I don’t understand.
Me: It’s *supposed* to be shiny.

   He looked entirely baffled for ten seconds and then he was giggling too.  I love his giggle. He assures me he does NOT giggle.

I am very happy to tell you that its clean in here.  So I’m not anxious about that.
I had been trying to figure out what to make for her visit. The original plan was that I would make bread on Friday. Then Stew on Saturday, and we’d muddle through and figure something out for Sunday.

But then the stars did not align properly. And then this conversation happened 

  • Me : We have a small change in plans for dinner – Ham this afternoon instead, Stew tomorrow 

  • Aunt B: sounds wonderful, but really Heather, i’m good with anything
  • Me: I know
    I figured if I made ham today, it would be there for lunch tomorrow and we’d get a break from it at dinner so that it isnt nothing but ham for days.
     Plus – I realized I have -TWO- bowls.
     And they don’t match.
     I dont even understand how that happened or when.
  • Aunt B:  lol
     
     She still thinks we are worth travelling to see, or she just wants to live dangerously with the savages. In my defense I’m due for another set of dishes – and another set of silverware since my spoons have gone missing. I did not ask for them for my birthday because… I mean come on. Birthday.  But also, you remember what happened on my birthday, yeah? So.

    The main point is – I decided to get over myself. I’m trying to do that as much as I can when opportunities arise. 
    I love my friends when they think they are fat,  I don’t care when their houses are messy or their dishes aren’t done, and I’m happy to eat stew out of a coffee mug if it is offered to me.

    I will just have to try really hard to allow the people who want to spend time with me – not care about those things either.

    Life is too short, and when I look back later, I don’t want to say … Oh. I didn’t see them because I’m messy, poor and fat.

     
 
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Posted by on October 26, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Embarassing.

So why not post it.

I had a post talking about my horrendous morning with the kidlet, but after I had time to decompress it didn’t feel as whatever as it felt this morning so I just left it. Sitting in the drafts getting moldy. There are an awful lot of posts sitting in there like science experiments in the bottom far corners of my fridge.

Last night was the first game in the World Series. The boys had loaded bases, I think…. Pedroia was up at bat.

I took a large mouthful of excellent coffee into my mouth, swallowed once.

It went down wrong.

I had to run into the bathroom – in front of the TV, past my husband and the kidlet who were in full on Red Sox mode mingled with concern.

I not only got coffee to come out my nose three times but I think I got it in my ears too, and to make matters worse I was coughing and snorting so hard I was terrified I would wind up wetting my pants.

I didn’t.

Just.

Coffee everywhere. All over the sink, the wall, me.

My husband, very concerned at this point, probably because I sounded like a hacking and choking mule; asks if I’m okay, I could only muster a feeble thumbs up, my arm thrusting out the door.

I am 37 years old.

This is where I’m at.

I am a sitcom character.

This is why I cannot possibly be an adult. For some reason, I picture adults as stiffer and more reserved. They wear slippers and housecoats and change their sweaters when they walk into the house. They read the newspaper and put lipstick on to vacuum, and every day they bake pie and make trifle and more than one vegetable to go with dinner while wearing their pearls.

At the very least, they certainly wear underwear every day, or a slip with their skirts and they don’t eat dinner with their fingers.

I don’t know where I get this idea in my head. Maybe I watched too much Nick at Nite when I was a kid. Maybe there was too much Leave it to Beaver or something.

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A
lso – Why doesn’t my oven have four doors? Why does my oven only have one?

 
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Posted by on October 24, 2013 in Uncategorized