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And then.. I’m not sure what happened.

13 Nov

It wasn’t/isn’t good.

I woke up the other night repeatedly crying in my sleep.

And then I was ok, but then I wasn’t.

And then yesterday, the crying just wouldn’t stop. 

I told my husband that I think I need to get help, but I don’t even know what kind of help I need.

I saw a friend, and there was more crying. 

And then I felt better – for a little while.

And today I have felt even more drained, burned out and completely tapped than I have in a very long time.
And I am scaring people, but frankly, I’m kinda freaked out myself, because I have apparently reached my limit. 
I don’t want to/ cant really talk about whatever it is, because I don’t even know what it is – other than it is so much stress, over so long a period of time that I just seem to be out of any reserves. I don’t even have the reserves to CHAT about whatever this is, and the idea of making smalltalk is more daunting than climbing mountains.

Things I normally would use to de-stress aren’t working. 
Part of me wants to just hand the reins over to someone else. Like I don’t want to be responsible for anything for a few days. I am mustering the energy to work, and get out of bed, that sort of thing, and as far as I’m concerned, if the universe wants me to do anything else, I don’t think I’m their girl right now.

Usually I am able to go through tons of stuff and pick myself up and dust myself off and just take care of anything I need to take care of, but it doesn’t seem to be working today. I think that I’ve been doing this very thing for so long that its biting me on the ass.

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5 Comments

Posted by on November 13, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

5 responses to “And then.. I’m not sure what happened.

  1. Renee Crowdersmith

    November 14, 2013 at 1:59 pm

    You are not in a good place and, if you are like me, you probably feel guilty for being there, and that makes it even harder to get out.

    I think you should talk to someone. And the fact that I am doling out advice is both hysterically funny and a bit scary.

     
    • saiyge

      November 20, 2013 at 12:45 pm

      Oh exactly. Partly mad that I can’t just take time to have a breakdown and then guilty that I’m even having anything resembling one. I think sometimes I need someone to delegate some of my responsibility to, but it just isnt a possibility.

      I did try to go and see someone and get the ball rolling, I also had a talk with myself about my anxiety about meds – coming to the conclusion that I might need to be on something, but that I have to be at least open to the possibility of it. The big roadblock now is that the doctors I had picked out no longer take my insurance, so the hunt continues.

       
      • Renee Crowdersmith

        November 20, 2013 at 9:09 pm

        I manned up and put my silly ass in counseling a few months ago. Basically, she said I need to take more time for myself. So, being me, I decided I didn’t have time for counseling and instead took a second job. Because…uh…I don’t take direction well? Good luck. I personally like the shit out of my meds, but it has taken me years to be comfortable with “yes, I have to take this, because, yes, my brain doesn’t work right unless I do.” P.S. I’m so glad you replied. I was getting worried about you, which is weird because I don’t know you, but then, I never said I was normal.

         
      • saiyge

        November 20, 2013 at 11:02 pm

        ❤ I would have worried too. I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner. I just shut myself off for a little bit there. Its no good, I don't like doing that. – I hate that place where everything takes too much energy and thinking too much hurts.
        I have a feeling a counselor would say the same thing to me and I'd stare at them not understanding what that means anymore. I wouldn't even know what to do or where to begin, or how to pull it off.

        P.S. Being "normal" is over-rated. Maybe we ARE the normal ones and everyone else is weird.

         
  2. Aussa Lorens

    November 28, 2013 at 5:03 pm

    Man. I’m sorry you’re in this place right now. I know that feeling of “sorry universe, I’m not your girl.” Try not to feel too guilty about it and just remember there’s always another side to the things we’re going through and feeling. Keep your head up 🙂

     

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