Partially disabling the filters

08 Nov

Yesterday was kinda cool… In fact, yesterday was as cool as the other day was hard.

Part of it is because my friend stopped by, because she needed to talk to someone. Anytime I see her I am reminded of how much we need people, I mean physically need them.

She had heavy things to talk about but somehow after she left I felt lighter and had more of a recharge.

Not because my friend had something hard to go through, but because she is one of my persons. One of THE persons. She needed someone and she thought of me and she came here. I didn’t realize how much I just needed HER. I mean, I missed her terribly, but we just sat in the living room and chatted.

It’s nice to be needed. Just for who you are.

The other thing I tried to do yesterday was stop thinking. Something interesting happened.

Instead of being weird in my own head and keeping a tight reign on how I communicate…. I just.. stopped.

I let myself, instead actually communicate in some way.  It might have been a comment where I normally wouldn’t leave one. It might have been a post. It might have been a note to an artist earlier today – but something really cool happened and it wasn’t being sprayed with mace. I actually had some really neat conversations for the first time in .. years.

We knew social anxiety sucked. It just does.  But sometimes you are so wrapped up in how much it sucks that you forget that the real reason it sucks is that if it goes unchecked for too long? You forget what talking to people is really like when it goes well. You are too focused on all the garbage instead.

In other randomness…. Hospital dramas freak me out.

I have problems going to the doctor right… I have been saying every day that I am going to call the new doctors office and I am GOING TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT. And then I dont.

I cant tell why exactly. Lots of reasons I think, but none of them will get better if I don’t go.

I half watch Grey’s Anatomy. I cant watch the surgery bits and the “Look at this horrible thing!” parts. But last week they had a lady who was scared of the doctor and she had a horrible wound with bugs in it I think – because she was waiting for it to go away and it never did. So on one hand -that tells me that I need to go to the doctor and stop being afraid.

I don’t have an open wound with bugs in it. But I dont WANT one either.

But then I have to ask myself (yes, I know its TV) – Why are all these people having sex at the hospital? Why are they fighting over their personal problems over a patient in surgery? What is going on with Bailey and other countless surgeons where they pass the hell out with someone on the table?

These things terrify me, because too often random things happen to me.

And maybe this is why wait times are SO long, maybe they are all having way too many not-so-quickees in the broom closet while we are waiting in their offices in our knickers and socks.

1 Comment

Posted by on November 8, 2013 in Not Food, Random Rambling, Uncategorized


Tags: , ,

One response to “Partially disabling the filters

  1. Aussa Lorens

    November 10, 2013 at 1:31 pm

    Hahahaha oh my gosh, Grey’s Anatomy. I watched like 7 seasons in a row right before I went backpacking and then when I came back (9 months later) my super pregnant friend was doing the exact same thing so I got to re-watch most of them (we are very ambitious people with full lives, obviously). I even made a spider chart thing where I connected all of their sexual encounters… it was a mess and made me feel pretty great about myself.

    My friends who are doctors/medical residents inform me that there is less sex IN the hospitals and that most of their colleagues are ugly, so maybe that will help relieve your reluctance to schedule that appointment 🙂


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