Yesterday made me pause for a few minutes. Yesterday was particularly hard.
For the past few years I have been increasingly upset with and particularly rotten to myself. I have withdrawn more and more into everyday minutiae, effectively losing myself in morning rushes to get the kidlet off to school, the stress of deadlines, trying to make groceries stretch farther, keep bills paid and countless cups of coffee.
Yesterday I allowed myself to stop and think for a moment, what that kind of stress does to a person. I noticed a while ago that I seemed unable to hold a thought in my head for long, that I would lose focus, that I seemed unable to have a conversation with another person. Overall lacking any sort of clarity but in rare moments.
This year it has come to a head in a way. I know I have not always been scatterbrained to this degree, nor have I had such an astounding lack of confidence like I do now. I am sure there is a combination of things contributing to whatever has happened to me. I am sure that a good percentage of my problem is the stress of the last few years in particular; The constant lack of cash flow to create any sort of feeling of security, weight gain – all things that have also contributed to an overall withdrawing of myself.
I have very much become a hermit crab.
I am trying to change.
I am trying to be nicer and more forgiving to myself where I can be, in a very conscious and aware kind of way.
You would not think that it would be so difficult to do so many little things, like saying hello to strangers. Leaving a comment on a blog, posting a response on a forum, asking for help if you need it, but it is.
Hi – I have crippling social anxiety.
I have a strange sense of humor.
I can be obscenely inappropriate, if I am comfortable enough with you to be so.
I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I don’t think I’ve found my calling yet. (I once thought it was archaeology. Then I thought it might be psychiatry – but then I realized I get way too emotionally involved with people and I’d be a wreck all of the time. Then I thought it might be as a pastry chef or baker, but I don’t like getting yelled at – so going into culinary wouldn’t work. Sometimes I think I could be an advice columnist. But how do those sort of careers even happen? One thing is absolutely clear – I need counseling.)
In my quest to break these awful habits I’ve managed to create, I might sprinkle some of my awkwardness on you.
Please don’t be alarmed, its nothing a bit of hot water, bleach and rigorous scrubbing with some steel wool cant cure.