My aunt is coming today, it is very exciting. I haven’t seen her in years and years.
Because I have terrible self esteem issues and the anxiety problem, it is in my first instinct to avoid seeing anyone.
My house is a mess, (sometimes it is) (Really, I don’t want to see you because I’m fat.)
My apartment has a funny smell. (It does, and I can’t figure out where its coming from or why, I’ve been cleaning ALLTHETHINGS. I’ve been cleaning allthethings with BLEACH and Method.) (But really, I don’t want to see you because I’m fat.)
When we made plans for her to come, I was on crutches. And I was sick. Everything was a mess. Like – the floor in the kitchen was sticky. It made noise when you would take a step. (For some reason my son spills iced tea on the floor all the time and leaves it there, and doesn’t tell you. He just leaves it there and because I try to stay out of the kitchen? I sometimes don’t find it until much later when it has started to concentrate into a sugary film.)
Have you tried to mop the floor on crutches and with your foot in one of those hospital shoe things that stay on with velcro? The bottom is rigid plastic. One drop of water on the floor will send you careening off in random directions.
The good news is, I am moving much better now, so long as I am barefoot. Do you know how many times I have scrubbed the floor in there the past two weeks?
Enough so that this conversation happened.
Me: -walking into the bedroom giggle-snorting-
Himself: Whats so funny?
Me: Well, I was turning off the lights, and noticed the kitchen floor looked really wet so I went in there and touched it with my foot and it was just… shiny.
Himself: I don’t understand.
Me: It’s *supposed* to be shiny.
He looked entirely baffled for ten seconds and then he was giggling too. I love his giggle. He assures me he does NOT giggle.
I am very happy to tell you that its clean in here. So I’m not anxious about that.
I had been trying to figure out what to make for her visit. The original plan was that I would make bread on Friday. Then Stew on Saturday, and we’d muddle through and figure something out for Sunday.
But then the stars did not align properly. And then this conversation happened
Me : We have a small change in plans for dinner – Ham this afternoon instead, Stew tomorrow
Aunt B: sounds wonderful, but really Heather, i’m good with anything
Me: I know
I figured if I made ham today, it would be there for lunch tomorrow and we’d get a break from it at dinner so that it isnt nothing but ham for days.Plus – I realized I have -TWO- bowls.And they don’t match.I dont even understand how that happened or when.
Aunt B: lolShe still thinks we are worth travelling to see, or she just wants to live dangerously with the savages. In my defense I’m due for another set of dishes – and another set of silverware since my spoons have gone missing. I did not ask for them for my birthday because… I mean come on. Birthday. But also, you remember what happened on my birthday, yeah? So.
The main point is – I decided to get over myself. I’m trying to do that as much as I can when opportunities arise.
I love my friends when they think they are fat, I don’t care when their houses are messy or their dishes aren’t done, and I’m happy to eat stew out of a coffee mug if it is offered to me.I will just have to try really hard to allow the people who want to spend time with me – not care about those things either.
Life is too short, and when I look back later, I don’t want to say … Oh. I didn’t see them because I’m messy, poor and fat.