Okay, today isn’t my birthday, it was on Tuesday.
My birthday was rough.
It was rough and it was sad and all my plans fell through.
What is it about birthdays? Why do I find myself in my 30’s still waking up with the same sort of “It’s my birthday and I am special and the entire world is full of possibilities!” kind of hope I had when I was a kid? What do I think is going to happen?
Will the government go back to work?
More importantly, will my Facebook feed stop feeling like a war-zone of who is crazier than the other? Will they at least fact check before posting the crazy? I mean, that would make me very happy. That would be a nice present. Fact checking.
Will all the hungry be fed? Will world peace happen? Will everyone spontaneously start being nice to one another?
I don’t really know what it is I think is going to happen each year. I tell myself that my Facebook friends might say something because .. well. Facebook tells them to tell me Happy Birthday.
And my mom will remember – and the kidlet will tell me I am beautiful and will occasionally tell me Happy Birthday.
And my husband will give me that look.
That sad look that tells me he really wishes that things were different and that he could do something.
And all through the day and the following days, I will feel a mixture of guilt and gratefulness, a sort of rosary in my head to be grateful for what you have and that birthdays are not about fabulous dinners somewhere, presents or anything. That Birthdays are just a day like any other and…
Damn it, self. Be happy you woke up and are breathing and you have fantastic people who love you.
No one is better at being mean to me than me.
I am grateful.
But I am also sad.
I am trying really hard to just let myself feel what I feel without demeaning it or rationalizing it until I don’t know what I feel anymore.
But then something kind of funny but also kind of something happened.
so its Friday. And I think to myself – “Self, its Friday. The internet is being cranky, so lets half watch some Torchwood and fire up the Sims3 and zone out for a bit because we earned it this week.”
Oh! My sim is having a birthday – lets throw her a party.
And she goes to blow out the candles…. and just as I am sitting here thinking – Woah – even that Sim in there is having a party that everyone in town came to and they are all throwing a great ruckus at her as she bends over to blow out her candles……. Wait.. why are they screaming?
I’m not sure what I think right now- I guess maybe that was the universes way of saying.. If Saiyge doesn’t get birthday cake, NO ONE gets birthday cake.
(I hope not though – because everyone should have cake.)