(Lots of rambling ahead. )
Words become addictive.
I find I will often feel as if I cannot share what I am thinking. That my inner monologue is too messy and scattered, that I have plenty of little unrelated things to say but no way to string them together.
But then I make myself post something – and then all I want to do is keep saying things. Little nonsensical things. I think I want to throw them together with bits of string and duct tape even if they aren’t pretty because I am afraid I will forget them. The words.
And I do.
I forget all of them.
Somewhere along the way – in this journey of internet, I have found that there is an ebb and flow of insecurity – for everyone. I think maybe there has always been this ebb and flow, but that the internet frees us up to make more connections and to find more information, to touch our fingertips to strangers around the world and find that common thread of insecurity so we aren’t on our own little islands of it. Or something. Hopefully I’ll be able to make sense of that statement below somewhere.
I think of the Martha Stewart phenomenon. (I wanted to use the word paradox – or padagrim but apparently those words don’t mean what I think they mean and Padagrim does not exist as a word, so I have no idea what word I really want to use. I am explaining this as an aside here because its going to drive me insane, if you think you know what word I am going for, please let me know. Did I mention that I am trying a new thing where I edit and refine what I say here less so that I actually … say things? yeah.)
Anyway- Martha Stewart Phenomenon: I am not sure if anyone else will remember when she started to really hit the mainstream media, but it was before the internet was a big deal and before we all had computers that could access it in some way. – And honestly, its not just about HER, There are plenty of examples I can give.. and I might.
So here she came with great ideas and all this talent and perfection – I want to say that my first real awareness of her was from Oprah –
(AHA! I think the word I was thinking of is actually paradigm. Though maybe this word doesn’t mean what I think it means either. Meh. )
par·a·digm [par-uh-dahym, -dim]
Pre-Internet, I can remember listening to women talk about the Martha Stewart phenomenon. How inept they felt because they just couldn’t get the same results. I often find myself wondering how many women had this sort of issue – Did it start with Good Housekeeping in the 1880’s and just progress to Betty Crocker and then on and on as other forms of technology became the new normal?