Words In a Torrent

20 Sep

(Lots of rambling ahead. )

Words become addictive.

I find I will often feel as if I cannot share what I am thinking.  That my inner monologue is too messy and scattered, that I have plenty of little unrelated things to say but no way to string them together.

But then I make myself post something – and then all I want to do is keep saying things. Little nonsensical things. I think I want to throw them together with bits of string and duct tape even if they aren’t pretty because I am afraid I will forget them. The words.

And I do.

I forget all of them.

Somewhere along the way – in this journey of internet, I have found that there is an ebb and flow of insecurity – for everyone. I think maybe there has always been this ebb and flow, but that the internet frees us up to make more connections and to find more information, to touch our fingertips to strangers around the world and find that common thread of insecurity so we aren’t on our own little islands of it. Or something. Hopefully I’ll be able to make sense of that statement below somewhere.

I think of the Martha Stewart phenomenon. (I wanted to use the word paradox – or padagrim but apparently those words don’t mean what I think they mean and Padagrim does not exist as a word, so I have no idea what word I really want to use. I am explaining this as an aside here because its going to drive me insane, if you think you know what word I am going for, please let me know. Did I mention that I am trying a new thing where I edit and refine what I say here less so that I actually … say things? yeah.)

Anyway- Martha Stewart Phenomenon: I am not sure if anyone else will remember when she started to really hit the mainstream media, but it was before the internet was a big deal and before we all had computers that could access it in some way. – And honestly, its not just about HER, There are plenty of examples I can give.. and I might.

So here she came with great ideas and all this talent and perfection – I want to say that my first real awareness of her was from Oprah –

(AHA! I think the word I was thinking of is actually paradigm. Though maybe this word doesn’t mean what I think it means either. Meh. )

par·a·digm [par-uh-dahym, -dim]



Grammar .

a. a set of forms all of which contain a particular element, especially the set of all inflected forms based on a single stem or theme.
b. a display in fixed arrangement of such a set, as boy, boy’s, boys, boys’.
2. an example serving as a model; pattern. Synonyms: mold, standard; ideal, paragon, touchstone.
3. a. a framework containing the basic assumptions, ways of thinking, and methodology that are commonly accepted by members of a scientific community.

b. such a cognitive framework shared by members of any discipline or group: the company’s business paradigm.
Right- I was saying – So here she was, and she did everything perfectly. She came up with great ideas. She was a better housekeeper, cook, dishwasher, hostess than anyone else could ever hope to be. It was effortless. It was painted to be effortless. That is what TV does. That is what media does.  Teams of people are paid good money to take perfect pictures and slave away over stoves and food processors and glue guns to make it look perfect.

Pre-Internet, I can remember listening to women  talk about the Martha Stewart phenomenon. How inept they felt because they just couldn’t get the same results.  I often find myself wondering how many women had this sort of issue – Did it start with Good Housekeeping in the 1880’s and just progress to Betty Crocker and then on and on as other forms of technology became the new normal?

We still have this sort of thing going on – one look at Pinterest or all of the perfect Food blogs will show you that we are still bombarded with ‘Perfect’. BUT – I am finding more and more that people are more willing to share their messy bits too.
And I love them for it.  I love them not just for me but for the other women I know who are always trying SO hard and being so hard on themselves.
There is such a sense of comfort when I find a new to me blogger who lays it all out there in their quirky own way.  In the food blogger that shows you the destroyed kitchen behind the mixing bowl that sits to the side of their perfect pile of petit fours. In the baker who sheepishly admits that this is the fourth try at this cake and that for some insane reason their egg whites wouldn’t peak no matter *what* they did.
I promise it is not schadenfreude, but that I am a card carrying member of the messy awry tribe and I love that we are more common than I tend to think, because I am not exactly an island? But I am pretty isolated and I live in my own head entirely too much.

On one hand, I understand swooning over cookbook pictures and magazine photo shoots where everything is always in perfect lighting and neat and clean, where souffles never ever implode, and no one ever ever ever tracks dirt in onto the floor unless (!!!!) it’s an ad for some cleaning gadget or solution. I understand why these sort of things need measured perfection, and I understand the need to strive for that sort of thing. Of course I want to make sugar cookies with perfectly smooth royal icing. Of course I want to make choux pastry, and uncracked pumpkin pie and … Things without flaws or crazy disasters along the way.
The thing is though – that it just isn’t possible in my life sometimes.

I am messy.
My life is messy.
And as you can probably tell – I am not always very graceful. *cough*
(Did I mention that my friends are now referring to Toe as “Toe”? It is no longer “How is YOUR toe?”  It is “How is Toe?” I digress.)
Really what I am saying here – is that I am so GLAD that we are gifted with a way to connect with so many people from other walks of life and backgrounds. I am GLAD that we aren’t confined to the images and life we see on the magazine rack or on Food Network. I am relieved that there are people all over the world willing to show us their unedited side – where they .. you know, break their toes and ugly cry in public.  Where they bravely try to make new things and they don’t always come out right
I am sort of glad for – don’t judge me – reality television.
Because there is an overwhelming sense of relief in figuring out that it isn’t just ME.
(I say this after watching one of the Survivor cast members ramble on and confuse themselves with math. Thats something I would totally do, painkillers or no painkillers.)
I am guessing that it is not only me who finds some sort of comfort in this either.
By the by- Toe is still Toe. Broken and whatnot, but is not currently, to my knowledge, living a life independently of my own and going to wild parties and such. At least I certainly hope not.
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Posted by on September 20, 2013 in FAIL, Not Food, Random Rambling, Uncategorized


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