Depression is a sneaky, insidious thing. It creeps up and hangs out – all creepy like, where sometimes even the more self aware types don’t even notice it until they are fully mired up in it, or have just broken free of it. Sometimes, it is not until the weight is no longer there, the sticky ropes have loosened up and we look back behind us to see them laying there in tatters that we realize what was even going on.
Looking back on what little I have posted here, helped me see the uninvited house guest I was living with and better yet -at a point where I was strong enough to decide enough was enough.
I did not set out to talk about my life much here. I did not set out to really do much but maybe do some cooking, maybe chatter a bit. I did not want to talk about my job, I did not want to talk about my son or his struggle with autism, and my struggle by proxy. I did not really know what I wanted to do. What I did know is that from 1995 and into 2002, I had a blog with plenty of traffic and feedback. I had a very rooted presence on the web, and I posted frequently and consistently…..
Until I didn’t.
Here and there over the past decade I have attempted to break a cycle, and to come out of my shell again in some way, but something would go awry in that, and I would lose my way somehow, or something would happen and I would transform into a silent, unhappy hermit crab again.
The problem with having a shell is that at first it seems very safe and cozy. When things go wrong, you just suck back into that sucker and hide out until things calm again. But, not being an island, eventually the shell starts to chafe and becomes too constrictive. Eventually life outside of the shell looks like a good place to be…. But we call these cycles for a reason. It can be exceedingly difficult to find a happy medium betwixt self preservation and the need to be a social creature, unconstrained by ones own safety mechanisms, unhindered by hang ups and insecurities. I am not there yet – but I have certainly just come out of a dark place.
I am debating on how honest I should be with you, whoever you are. I strongly dislike the idea that I am sharing too much of myself in a public place. Even more – I dislike the idea that I can/would/should withhold who I am or water down who I am in a place that is mine. I suppose a part of me, dissatisfied with 95% of my relationships, wants to share openly – but dislikes the idea of an open relationship that isn’t symbiotic in some small sort of way.
In the end, I am more than all of the bad soup and misshapen pie crusts. I will certainly be sure to show you more of my awry things, because they make me laugh, and there is little enough laughter in the world. But maybe I will share more than just those things with you too.
(If for no other reason than the hope that I can post more often. Oi.)